WHY CAN'T I FIND THE PERFECT PARTNER?

Ladies and Gentlemen:

I need women to tell me what they need, want and expect from a man. I need men to tell me what they need, want and expect from a woman. I am absolutely serious about this. It has become tiresome listening to people in totally screwed up relationships complain about each other when the problems are clearly obvious to everyone around them. It's like there are no rules anymore. No rules for behavior, no rules for respect, no rules for sex and no rules for when it is right to create new life in children. I am sick of the games that alleged adults play with each other in bars. To watch it as a spectator is painful. The manipulation, the lies, the bad acting. All in the name of women trying to find Mr. Right forever, and men trying to get laid just tonight. I am tired of the complete disrespect that many men seem to have for women. And vice versa. What I am not looking for is people who want to vent. I want honest input from people who are confused, or angry about their dissatisfactory parts in the mating game of the 21st century.

You can either reply to this blog with your commentary, or contact me for a questionnaire. Or you can just go on to the next anonymous blog.

Oh, yeah! If you are gay, this opportunity is not for you. It's for heterosexuals only. The reason is that I can not relate, in any way, to homosexual people. I don't understand them, and have no way to advise them because that lifestyle is so totally foreign to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Let's just keep it between the boys and girls for now.

If you think you have some constructive criticism for me, based on this tiny bit of information, I'll be happy to read it, but keep your claws in Cookie.

To The Amish

To The Amish, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for what happened to you on Monday Oct 2, 2006. I had nothing to do with it of course, but I feel great sorrow for your loss. As a Christian it is hard to understand how this event can fit into God's plan for us.

I am sorry that your reluctance to associate with us was so reinforced that day. One man can cause so much hell on earth, and speak so badly for so many. I know you don’t want retribution, but I find it difficult to understand how you can not.

Most of the “English” feel terrible for you right now. We care. God bless you.

Dear K, And The Other Anonymous

I can not believe the number of responses my postings have generated. Mostly they are from people who are not quite sure it is safe to step from behind the curtain of anonymity. The ire is amazing. These respondents make it impossible for me to respond to them. That's OK, I'm fairly thick skinned. Actually, most of the anonymous e-mails I've received have been from reasonable, thinking people. I've been impressed. It is encouraging to know that there are still intelligent, thoughtful people out there.

Actually I do not consider myself the "king of the English language". I consider myself a moderately educated man with a healthy respect for things that are bigger than I am, like the English language. I make mistrakes sometimes, but not very often in my written word, because I care, and am proud of the fact that I am able to use the language effectively. Language is not merely putrid globs of crap that should spray out of our mouths when we think we have something important to say. It's an art form for many, and a science for others, not just me.

I was told that language is fluid and ever changing, and I should roll with it. Yes, languages do change, I understand that, but not to the degree that the uneducated, and ignorant in our modern cultures would have us change them. It is stupid people, unwilling to learn, that are changing the language. Cultures should strive to improve. I do not believe that stupid people are capable of improving any culture. Destroying the very language that is a foundational element of any society is not a way to move forward. Language is the way we communicate, and the rules of English in the United States are really not that complicated. Those who would rather not use the rules of the language tear our culture apart. They create pockets of illiterates, entire segments of unrefined, low acheivers. And the worst part then, is that the rest of us are expected to understand. We are asked to be sympathetic to the dummies who think the rest of us are all wrong. I simply can't do that.

No, I’m sorry, but I will take the slings and arrows from people who think I should lighten up. Also, if you have a legitimate criticism of something I write, tell me, I'll listen. I mean tell me about something other than what hurt your feelings, or offended your delicate sensibilities. I don't care about that. And please don't judge me. Read the words and deal with them. What you read is what I mean. Don't apply your feelings and judgementalism to it.

And dear Mr., Ms., and Miss anonymous, please identify yourselves. I would be happy to debate my points of view. I am willing to take my lumps when I deserve them, and I'll take the credit when I deserve that too.

And to the seventeen year old girl in London who made an excellent point, you said England,1, US, 0 (or something to that effect). Sorry my dear but that decision was made over 200 years ago when we, the US, sent the red coats packing. Plus, the fact that you made a good point is a credit to you, and does not reflect on your fine country at all, nor mine.

And K, dear K, I am richolduncle, not "Rich Old Uncle", because I use this moniker in several places on the Internet. Many of those sites require you to use a single word to identify yourself. In fact, without going back and checking, I believe this site requires a single word handle too. Combining words, such as richolduncle, allows you to use multiple words and still fulfill the single word requirement. No, I won't tell you you're wrong, but now you know a little more than you did before, right? I hope that explains satisfactorily.

C

Never question my commas

Anonymous decided to take me to task on my use of commas.

Dear anonymous, pick up a book once in a while. You can start with this one.

Taken from THE LITTLE, BROWN COMPACT HANDBOOK, fourth edition by Jane E. Aaron

Page 244. The Comma

Main uses of the comma

• To separate main clauses linked by a coordinating conjunction (opposite).
Main clause , {for and or so but nor yet} main clause .
Ex The building is finished, but it has no tenants.

• To set off most introductory elements (opposite).
Introductory element , main clause .
Ex Unfortunately, the only tenant pulled out.

• To set off nonessential elements.
Main clause , nonessential element .
Ex The empty building symbolizes a weak local economy, which affects everyone.

Beginning of main clause , nonessential element , end of main clause .
Ex The Primary cause, the decline of the local economy, is not news.

• To separate items in a series.
… item 1 , item 2 , {and or} item 3 …
Ex The city needs healthier businesses, new schools, and improved housing.

• To separate coordinate adjectives.
… first adjective , second adjective , word modified …
Ex A tall, sleek skyscraper is not needed.


There are other uses of the comma illustrated in this book. However this should be enough to get ‘anonymous’ started.

Learn it, love it, live it.

To, Too, Two, (2)

1. How do you spell 2? Two!
2. Two is how we spell the number 2!
3. Too, you can spell it ‘to’, but that wouldn’t be 2. 2 is two.
4. Too is also. ‘Also what’, you say? Also. Too is also. When you want to say also using too, You can do it, and I can too.
5. To use to would be wrong. Two would be wrong too.
6. To is to say you are going to something. If I go with you, the two of us will go to something because I'll go too.

Lets say there is a store. The name of the store is “2”. Three women, Mary Jo, Merry Jo and Mary Joe want to go shopping. Mary Jo invites Mary Joe and Mary Joe agrees gladly. On the way, Mary Jo and Mary Joe unexpectedly meet up with Merry Jo and invite her along for shopping.

So, you could say that two Mary’s, Jo and Joe, decide to go to 2. They meet up with Merry Jo, and she goes to 2 too. In other words, one Merry Jo on her way to 2 meets with two other Mary’s, Jo and Joe who are going to 2 too. So, instead of one going to 2, or two going to 2, one, and two too, go to 2 to shop.

I hope that clears everything up for you.

ALOT of bull

I am so tired of people showing their ignorance.

let's get this straight. If you are going to refer to A LOT of stuff, it is spelled "A LOT", not "ALOT". There's a space between the A, and the LOT. It's two words, A LOT! Even LOTS of stuff is better than ALOT of stuff. You can say LOTS, that's OK, it works, it's the plural of LOT.

The word ALOT does not even exist. However the word ALLOT does. To ALLOT is to divvy something up, to set aside, or distribute as a portion.

For example: If you have 1000 pizzas, and a Superdome full of pizza eaters, you have A LOT (or LOTS) of pizza. If you need to distribute that pizza between the pizza eaters you have to ALLOT a portion of the thousand pizzas to each pizza eater. You need to ALLOT A LOT of pizza. See, it's simple.

Come on people listen to what you're saying, read what you're writing. Try a spell checker once in a while; it’s amazing what you can learn from one. In fact, this little rant of mine is driving my spell checker crazy. It keeps asking me, "What are ya, stupid? Alot isn't even a word dumb ass."

Here's another one. I have an STD. That means I must HAVE got it from someone. Not, I must OF got it from someone. Here's where the confusion comes in. The conjunction of the two words must and have is must've, as in I must've got this STD from someone. It isn't pretty, but it works, and it sounds just like "must of". What you're saying is "must've", not "must of". When did we get so stupid that we think we are saying, “I must OF got this STD from a toilet seat?" Who is the ignoramus that decided the word OF is appropriate in this case? Can't you hear the difference? One is English, and the other is gibberish. Didn't anybody learn this in grade school except for me?

If you use "alot", a lot, or "must of" ever, you are a functional illiterate in my book. It’s time to take some English classes.

(I can hear it now, half of you are cheering me, and the other half are calling me names)

One of the first things one nation will do in order to conquer another nation is to attempt to destroy the enemy's language, in other words, it’s very ability to communicate. Those of you who happily comply with the bastardization of the English language are just handing our nation over to the next enemy that tries to conquer us, and that my friends, is right around the corner.

I know some of you will read this and say “What an idiot! Who cares about ALOT, ALLOT, LOTS, MUST HAVE, MUST OF?" You’re right, this level of sheer ignorance really doesn’t impact society to a very large degree, it is just wrong. What it does accomplish is, it separates the stupid from the smart. I’m not insisting that we all be able to write the next great American novel, hell, I sure couldn’t do it. But my God, at least use words that exist. Just because alot of people do it wrong does not make it right. (Did you see that? Alot? Good, you're catching on.)

Look at it this way. If you come to me looking for a job with all the degrees you can earn, a fist full of certificates, and years of experience, and I see one "alot", or one "must of" in your résumé anywhere, forget it. You will not get a call, you will not get an interview, and you definitely won't get the job. (I wonder how many of you are going to quit reading this right now, and take a look at your résumé’s.)

Seriously, try a spell checker. I know it goes against a lot of peoples sensibilities these days to be told they are wrong, let alone by a machine. However, if you go through life doing simple things wrong, you appear stupid, and I don't care about your sensibilities.

I don't really get my kicks by pointing out to people how stupid they can be. People tend to point it out for me on their own just fine.

I’m no Shakespeare, but at least I can speak the language. Have I made myself clear? I must of, I feel better now.

Next time we tackle the three 2's. (to, too, two)

Another Great Restaurant

Atria's on Freeport Rd. in Fox Chapel, Pittsburgh PA.

I have been there three times now and have come away very happy each time. In particular, if you go there, you must have the crab bisque. Ignore the price, it's worth every penny. Then pick anything on the menu you think you may like, you'll love it. Last night, for my birthday dinner, I had the Bourbon Glazed Pot Roast. Best pot roast I have ever eaten. My girlfriend had the Tempura Shrimp with the Island Rice (kind of a rice pilaff with a Carribean flair). Deliscious!

Good prices, fair portions and a classy atmosphere await you when you go there. If you let them sign you up to receive their email promotions they won't bombard you with a lot of junk, and you'll get a coupon via email for a buy one/get one free entree for your birthday. I'll take a $14.00 coupon for a meal at Atria's any day. (Specially when I'm willing to pay full price anyway. It's that good.)

It's called,

Atria's on Freeport Rd. in Fox Chapel, Pittsburgh PA.

No, they did not pay me for this. I volunteered. Like I said in an earlier posting, if I find something I like, I'll tell you about it. Try it, you gonna like it.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah. With that in mind, Happy Holidays to everyone. I find nothing wrong with wishing someone in passing a, 'Happy Holiday', it covers the entire season for everyone in two happy words. I will do that often, but never to the exclusion or omission or removal of Christmas or Hannukkah.

I am a Christian. I am not a holy roller. I have a new found faith, and I am trying to grow in that faith, but I don't think I am technically, "born again". Maybe I am, but you won't hear me say it. Not all Christians find the need to be "born again". I think that once you call yourself 'born again', you slap a label on yourself. I don't need anymore labels. God and Me... we have an understanding.

Now, for those of you who would prefer the 'holiday of the winter solstice', or 'the sparkle season', as the City of Pittsburgh has tried to shove down our throats, you can kiss my ass. Over 80% of Americans prefer Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah, so the tiny percentage of you who want to remove the holiday from the holiday, remember this. The very word holiday means "Holy Day". So the next time you refer to your winter holiday, you are admiting to the holiness of the day. Is that enough to make your heads hurt?

So... you small minded, majority hating, misguided little peckerwoods can just get out of the way and let the rest of us celebrate our holy days as we see fit. In other words, sit down and shut the hell up. You are irrelevent.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to you all.

WANTED: Sports widows for fun and excitement

I was at church a few weeks ago when this fellow I know came up along side of me and started talking about the Steelers, and opening day. On and on he went about this player and that player, and how they were going to do this season. He talked about defense, offense, end zones, kickers, punters, throwers, catchers, runners, blockers. I never got a word in because he had plenty to say about the subject for both of us. I am not a sports nut. Or should I say, I am not a sports fanatic. No, no, I am not a, dedicating my life to my teams - totally in love with them - would die without them - insanely consumed by them fan.

Gentlemen, there is more to life than sports.

The guy from church mentioned something about opening day. Now, I knew then that football season was back in swing, but to what degree, I didn’t know and couldn’t have cared less. You have to know football is back unless you are in a coma. It is jammed down your throat, shoved in your face, and forced into your ears twenty four hours a day. He mentioned, “the game”, this Sunday referring to the season opener. I didn’t know the season opener was that Sunday, and again, I did not care, and I let him know that. But, the look I got was as though I had just arrived from another planet. “How could you not know that the season opens this weekend? Didn’t you go out and get your black and gold face and body paint yet? How about your black and gold, giant sized Steelers beer mug, you mean you don’t have one of those either? What about the very expensive jersey with someone elses name on it? You do have one of those, RIGHT?” He was incredulous. I know most of you football fans out there don’t even know what incredulous means, so I’ll tell you. It means dedicated to ones team, a true fan, one who is always right when he offers his opinion about a game. Go ahead, look it up, I’ll wait.

Anyway, growing up in the Pittsburgh area, I used to watch the Steelers back in the 70’s. That’s back in the 70’s. Thirty years ago. That’s how long it has been since this town has had a winning football team. Don’t even ask me about the Pirates, I haven’t a clue and don’t care about them more than I don’t care about the Steelers. And I care about the Penguins even less than the Pirates. I have changed a little since the 70’s, I have grown. Other things are more important to me now.

If you want to know why your marriage is going down the crapper, and you have no idea what it is to have a genuine relationship with your kids other than one that involves sports, listen to me. Your marriage is going down the crapper because your wife doesn’t see you all week, and when you do come home you spend the entire weekend in front of the TV. She never gets to spend any quality time with you. I can here you now, “What is this guy, some kind of a fag or something?” My apologies to all you fags out there, but no I’m not. You should worry about guys who don’t particularly care about sports though. Cause it’s guys like that who are going to show up in your wives lives to scratch all their itches and give them a giggle once in a while. They’re going to listen to your wives (whether they have anything important to say or not) and show them a good time while your ass is melding into your recliner. (Meld: To relieve all the tension in your body while your team gets its ass kicked. Look It up.) Your kids are going to hate your guts when they grow up because all they see now is a dad who doesn’t care about them as much as he cares about watching TV. You have effectively abandoned your entire family and you think they ought to be more understanding of you because you work five days a week. The bad news is that one of these days you are going to have to work seven days a week just to pay child support, and you won’t have any money left for beer.

Many of you are in for a big surprise. You shouldn’t be though because I just gave you the biggest heads-up in your life. Give her a big kiss and a hug before someone else does, and offer to help with dinner.

Yea Steelers!